i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
