just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
