Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm like, not good at living.
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