My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
