I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
