those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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