saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
