I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
