I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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