You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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