Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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