ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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