There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
