I could make wine with my vomit
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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