I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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