please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
