Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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