yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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