I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
