i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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