Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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