everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize