from now on my penis is your penis
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
