There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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