I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
