just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
