you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
