My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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