Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
