so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
