Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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