saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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