as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
