the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
