i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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