3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
