hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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