1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
