We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
