I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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