If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
