I'm so fucking centered right now
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
