dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
