I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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