This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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