make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
