She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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