my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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