The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
