$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
