why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
