She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
