i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
