i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
