Please, let me fuck your mom
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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