I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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