my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
