whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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