Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So vagazzling was a success
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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