Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
